What Catholic girl (former or otherwise) doesn't learn to feel guilty at a very young age? I was always a bit of an overachiever. I'm good at Guilt.
I feel guilty that I have No Evidence of Disease when other wonderful women have died.
I feel guilty that I'm not working.
I feel guilty that I have insurance.
I feel guilty for being alive.
And, with every clean scan, every month that I continue in treatment that does not include chemotherapy, the guilt just gets worse.
It's not very constructive.
I need to figure out how to free myself from the Guilt. It distorts my perception of myself and others like a greasy hand-print on the lenses of my glasses. I have to figure out who I am and what I want, without having to squint or interpret what's on the other side of the smudges.
It won't be easy. And it may take me more than a year. But that's what I'm working on in 2012.
I feel guilty that I have No Evidence of Disease when other wonderful women have died.
I feel guilty that I'm not working.
I feel guilty that I have insurance.
I feel guilty for being alive.
And, with every clean scan, every month that I continue in treatment that does not include chemotherapy, the guilt just gets worse.
It's not very constructive.
I need to figure out how to free myself from the Guilt. It distorts my perception of myself and others like a greasy hand-print on the lenses of my glasses. I have to figure out who I am and what I want, without having to squint or interpret what's on the other side of the smudges.
It won't be easy. And it may take me more than a year. But that's what I'm working on in 2012.
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